Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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