I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
