Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
