tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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