Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
