I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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