My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
