Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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