I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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