When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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