It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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