you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
