Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
