textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
