I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
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