i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
