I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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