you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
