Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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