Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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