Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
