mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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