An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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