I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize