you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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