JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
im on a boat
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