I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
