IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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