i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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