I feel great
I just peed on a car
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
