So drunk, too bad you don't want this
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
