Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize