i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
