I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
