haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
