I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Pants are for mortals
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
