Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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