Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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