kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
