There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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