Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
