He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The uberlube is also flammable
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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