He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
