Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
