why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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