highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
