have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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