it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
