I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
