did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
