I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
