We won't sleep together?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
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