I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
