And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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