i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
