hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
