I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
