Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
