I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sarcasm needs its own font
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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