you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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