Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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