I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
i think i just lost a toe
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
